


Living in the Past

by elrhiarhodan



Series: Coronach [4]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Dead Harry Hart, Grief, Longing, Loss, M/M, Merry Month of Masturbation, No Tentacle Sex, Original Kingsman Characters - Freeform, Pining, Tentacled Knight-Spirits, Tentacles, UST, don't be afraid to touch your meat, mmom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 08:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14540721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elrhiarhodan/pseuds/elrhiarhodan
Summary: It's the first Samhain after Harry's death and Merlin still can't get over his lover's death.  He hurts so much that he can't find a way to touch himself and make his offering to the Old Gods.  Merlin's knight-spirit, Emrys, is pragmatic and understands his host's pain.  But Emrys doesn't believe that Merlin should be alone this night and summons Mordred and Eggsy to bring Merlin some comfort.





	Living in the Past

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Day 3 of the Merry Month of Masturbation for the prompt "Autumn" (and a day overdue, I know). It's also another entry in the Coronach series and a rather sad one at that. (The reference to Major Character Death is for Harry Hart).
> 
> It's also the most wankless wankfic I've ever written (and I've written A LOT of wankfic).

It's two minutes past midnight and this is the first Samhain that Merlin and Emrys have celebrated alone in nearly three decades. It's been months, but the grief feels as fresh as it had the moment he'd watched Richmond Valentine put a bullet in Harry Hart's skull. 

Merlin takes a sip of Scotch, from the bottle of Balvanie that Harry had given him on the last Samhain they'd celebrated together. The thirty year old Speyside single malt that Merlin had been lusting after had been an extravagant gift, but one greatly appreciated. In turn, Merlin had given Harry a Palos Verde blue _in pupae_. Harry had cried when he'd put it in the killing jar.

Merlin feels his own tears burn as they fall down his cheeks. Some days and most nights, it seems impossible to go on. He misses Harry, he misses Galahad. They made him Arthur and he's still Merlin and nothing will ever be right again.

 _:: They are gone. We are not. ::_ Emrys is pragmatic. By reminding him of the obligation he owe to Kingsman on this night, the knight-spirit is telling Merlin that they are alive and they owe a fealty to the old gods that watch over them. But the very idea of masturbating, even if for a holy rite, is repellant. 

With that thought, Emrys tries to soothe Merlin's pain. _:: But, I think, they will forgive us for this one year if we do not pay tribute. ::_

_:: Perhaps, but I don't think I'll forgive myself. ::_ Merlin takes another sip of a dead man's gift and closes his eyes. _:: As wrong as it feels to do this without Harry and Galahad, it feels even worse not to do it at all. ::_

_:: We understand, old friend. Harry meant everything to you and his loss can never be healed. But you need to live, too. ::_

Merlin can sense that Emrys has done something, there's a hopeful note in the knight-spirit's mental voice that tells Merlin that mischief is afoot.

_:: **Mischief is afoot.** You couldn't have phrased it better if you tried… ::_

Not ten seconds later, there's a knock on the door. Merlin doesn't need to check the camera feed to figure out who it is. He sighs and calls out, "Come in, Eggsy."

Eggsy enters. "Emrys told Mordred that you needed me."

Merlin downs the rest of the Scotch and pours another. The darkness is comforting and familiar. "Emrys is being a little shit."

Eggsy flicks on the desk lamp and surveys the scene. "You're drinking alone."

"Feel like sharing?" Merlin gets up and locates another glass. "The drink's called loneliness."

"What are you, the Piano Man?"

Merlin glares at Eggsy as he hands him the Scotch. "Yer too young to know that."

"My mum liked the classics. At least until Dean entered the picture." 

"Ah, well. All right. Thank makes sense." Merlin's aware he's babbling. Eggsy's bare chested under his robe.

_:: The boy'll be good for you, my friend. ::_

Eggsy looks around the room and grimaces. "It's going to be your lap or the floor." 

"Sorry, lad. It'll have to be the floor." After Harry's death, Merlin had made his rooms as guest-unfriendly as possible; he pitched the ratty armchair that Harry had been inexplicably attached to. Not so long before his death, Harry's proclaimed that after nearly three decades, it cupped his ass perfectly, and then let out a boozy snort at the double-entendre. Merlin had also gotten rid of the couch they'd shared. 

Eggsy drops gracefully onto the carpet. "You doing all right?"

Merlin has made it a point of honor never to lie about his feelings, at least not to Eggsy. "No, not really. This is a bad night."

"Yeah, Mordred said that Emrys is worried about you. Suggested that I keep you company. Maybe give you a hand."

Merlin chokes on his Scotch. "A hand with what?"

Eggsy makes the typical crude gesture. "It's Samhain, we're supposed to make a gift to the gods tonight."

"Aye." Merlin struggles for some composure. He really doesn't want to have this conversation with Eggsy.

"Mordred kept me busy before. Just finishing up when Emrys called."

"Lad …"

"It's no big deal." Eggsy shakes his head. "Sorry - bad choice of words. "I know how much you miss him. I can't even begin to imagine what you must feel - to have someone for so long and then …"

Merlin can hear an echo of his own grief in Eggsy's voice. "Ye loved him, too."

Eggsy looks up, his eyes wide, shocked. "I'd never - "

"I know, lad. You'd never make the running, but Harry would have." It feels right, telling Eggsy the truth.

"He'd have never cheated on you, and certainly not with me!"

"It wouldn't have been cheating." Merlin lets that sink in, before adding, "And why shouldn't he have tried to make a go with you?"

"Me?" Eggsy's voice rises to a pitch that would make every dog in the kennel whine. "I'm a chav from a dirty council estate. Yeah, I clean up nice, but I ain't worth nothing. Not when he'd got you."

"Who grew up on a council estate in Glasgow. Ye and me, we're a lot alike. Da died young - when I was five, when I was seven, my mam dropped me with her parents and disappeared. Six weeks later, the coppers found her behind a dumpster with a needle up her arm. My grandparents were low church, Calvinists, who endorsed the motto 'spare the rod, spoil the child'. Until I was sixteen and big enough to break my grandfather's neck, he beat me every damn night."

"Merlin - "

"Ach, lad. I'm sorry. I dinna mean to dump my problems on ye. But I hate that ye can't see yer worth. Harry adored ye. He couldn't wait until ye became Lancelot, until he could shake yer hand as an equal and invite ye into our bed." 

"And I ruined everything." Eggsy shakes his head. "Except I still wouldn't have shot JB."

"Can't turn back time, no matter how much ye want to." Merlin empties his glass again. "Ye should go back to yer own bed, lad. I'll be fine."

"Yeah, you will. But I'm not leaving." Eggsy gets to his feet and removes the glass and bottle from Merlin's easy reach. "It's Samhain and I'll be damned if I let you go to bed alone."

"Eggsy - " Merlin wants to protest but he can't quite find the words.

"We're friends, right?"

"Aye."

"And friends help each other out. In good times and in bad."

"That they do." Merlin concedes to the inevitable. "I prefer the side closest to the bog."

Eggsy takes Merlin's had and pulls him into the bedroom. With startling efficiency, Eggsy strips him down to his boxers and tucks him into bed, on his preferred side of the bed. Eggsy climbs in behind him and Merlin feels something tight and painful start to unwind. 

"Thank ye, lad."

Eggsy presses a kiss on the knobby bone at the nape of Merlin's neck. "Whatever you want from me, all you have to do is reach out and take."

__

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> I've posted my prompt list [here](https://www.dropbox.com/s/4491uu2b42dznds/MMOM%20Prompt%20List%202018.docx?dl=0). If you see any prompts that spark your interest, please feel free to message me on Tumblr - you can find me here: [](http://elrhiarhodan.tumblr.com)[](http://elrhiarhodan.tumblr.com)**elrhiarhodan**


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